i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
