I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
