I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
