I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
