You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
