the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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