God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
