im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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