I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Randomize
