I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
