what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
