well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
