Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
