Your tits are I can't wait for
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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