My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
