I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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