did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize