So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
