Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
