You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
