the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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