I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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