your parents love me but you hate me
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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