He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She's the barista slut.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
