If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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