Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize