I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
