my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
