how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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