the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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