I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
