Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
