You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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