i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
