I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
