if i can run in heels then i can drive
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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