I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
