people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
