Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I didn't notice because vodka
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
