Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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