Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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