u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
