thus making me awesome and them whores
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
