nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
