A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
