So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
