My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
