dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
