he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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