and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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