Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
did you just send me my own nude
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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