I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
