Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
