I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We just shotgunned beers for America
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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