So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
