I wish I could teleport
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Are my feet made of real feet?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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