I've blown a few things in my day
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize