My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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