i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
