I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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