I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
