he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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