well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
