6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Randomize
