no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize