someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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