your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
