did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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