Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
