dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
