nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
